Leonardo DiCaprio Leaves Mel Gibson Film, Should Expect Calls

Leonardo DiCaprio, you are an idiot. An actual, dribbling, barely comprehensible buffoon. Your stupidity alarms us.

Haven’t you been watching? What’s the most important lesson that anybody has learnt over the last couple of weeks? That’s right – that you don’t make Mel Gibson angry. You just don’t. You do whatever he says, because if you don’t you’ll end up on the receiving end of 30 increasingly terrifying phonecalls where Mel Gibson will swear at you, tell you that you deserve to be raped, berate you for lack of enthusiasm when it comes to oral sex and pant like a weirdo for upwards of 45 minutes at a time. To reiterate, YOU DON’T MAKE MEL GIBSON ANGRY.

So what has Leonardo DiCaprio done? He’s decided that he doesn’t want to be in Mel Gibson’s new film any more. The idiot. May God have mercy on his soul.

Leonardo DiCaprio could learn a lot from Mel Gibson. Once upon a time, Mel was just like Leonardo – a young, successful, in-demand actor with the whole world at his feet. But Gibson is proof that it can all come crashing down around your feet. All it takes is just one lapse in concentration. Or possibly more than 30 separate lapses in conversation, punctuated by racism and swearing and death threats and apparent confirmations of harrowing domestic assault. Look, either way Leonardo DiCaprio could learn a lot from Mel Gibson.

But, no, now that Leonardo DiCaprio is the star of that flashy new film that everyone loves, he’s decided that he’s too good to star in a film directed by the world’s most aggressive social pariah. And that’s why he’s decided to pass on starring in the new Mel Gibson film. The Boston Herald reports:

The Titanic actor sunk the idea of appearing in Gibson’s new movie, a period piece about Vikings. DiCaprio, riding high on the wave of success from his new film Inception, doesn’t want to damage his public image by working with the controversial director. “Leo has earned the right to pick and choose who he works with and Mel Gibson is not one of them,” a source told Radar.

What? Really? Mel Gibson is planning a film about Vikings? Forget all this Leonardo DiCaprio nonsense, doesn’t Mel Gibson realise that this is his way out? If we were him we’d be busy initiating The Pete Townsend Excuse – claiming that all that violence and swearing and obsession with rape was just research for his Viking  film, honest. Who wouldn’t believe a line like that? Seriously, that’s all he needs to do. Claim that his next film is about Vikings and that the film after that is about massive unloveable alcoholic bellends and that way he’ll have covered all of his bases.

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